The Mind of a Lunatic

Rebel Without a Cause

I wanna be an anarchist

The Sex Pistols

Sex Pistols - Anarchy In The U.K.

Discombobulate

Religion claims another victim

How not to do it

The lethargy of boxing day has worn off. Now I'm off to visit the Falkirk Wheel.

How To Give The Last-Minute Gift of Blog



Not sure if anyone I know would ever speak to me again if I was to give them this as a Christmas Gift, but nice idea for an introduction to blogging all the same.

I am determined to find myself an apprentice...

Merry Christmas everyone !

Even those in a galaxy far far away are getting festive !...



May the force be with you all.

I've been dreaming of the things i've learnt about a boy
Who's bleeding, celebrate to elevate
The joy is not the same without the pain

Badly Drawn Boy - Something To Talk About

Badly Drawn Boy at Paradiso - Amsterdam, 25th September 2002

What a prick! Good at what he does, which is sing and play guitar. Not good at staying calm on stage. Don't just take my word for it...



"Have you ever spoken to someone about something really important to you and then realize that that person isn't taking a blind bit of notice of you? Annoying isn't it."

Read the full review by Damian Leslie, who was also there that night.

Never mind you can't please all the people, all the time.

I enjoyed myself because I had a nice fat Northern Lights one on the go at the time!...

How to make a handbag disappear in four easy stages :

1. Clone the tablecloth



2. Use another coffee cup



3. Hide the coffee cup behind the wine glass



4. Create a fake elbow



The wonders of Paint Shop Pro !

Anger. Blame somebody else.
Fuck her.
Anger. Blame something else.
Fuck it.
Anger. Blame everyone else.
Fuck everything.

Love on the rocks
You'd do anything for a quiet life
Love on the rocks
Love on the rocks with no ice
Love on the rocks
You'd do anything for a quiet life
Love on the rocks
Love on the rocks with no ice
Darkness - Love on the Rocks with no Ice

What am I scared of ? Rejection?
Fuck that.

'Cos I'm holding my own
Give or take a tear or two
I'm holding my own
No matter what I put myself through

Darkness - I'm Holding My Own

I still miss her though...

'Cos you came at a time
When the pursuit of one true love in which to fall
Was the be all and end all

Love is only a feeling
(Drifting away)
When I'm in your arms I start believing
(It's here to stay)
But love is only a feeling
Anyway

Darkness - Love is only a feeling

... and it's only been 10 years.

Hold it down Jack.

Safe, warm, comfortable. Home is truly where the heart is.
I've never lived in this house, but it feels more like home than anywhere I've ever lived. I've never raised a hand to help do anything much towards painting, decorating, shelf-building, or other manly pursuit but I feel that I belong here. Pictures of me are on the wall, notes about me are on the calendar, thoughts of me are in the air. I love being here. It settles me and reminds me what really is important. I owe to myself to never be in a hospital bed here.

Anger can stop me completing even the most simple tasks. Focusing on the job in hand goes out the window and my mind wanders all over the place. The harder I try to focus, the angrier I get. Figuring out what I'm scared of and facing it is the only way through it.

Now that I know what it is that is scaring me I can work on my anger. In this case it is fear of confrontation, embarassment, rejection and of being on my own outside my comfort zone. Focusing on my trip tomorrow to my mother's for Christmas is something positive to look forward to.

Look after number one : Eat, drink water, breathe, relax ...

Clearing my mind of questions

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday little sister,
Happy birthday to you.

Thank god that this year she can ride her board on her birthday. And there's snow!
Just please let her be safe and don't let anything bad happen to her.

I miss you every day, but to hear you happy makes me happy too.

Why did I not go to a job interview today. Woke up in plenty of time, already had my shit together the night before. The thought of having to sit through a load of bullshit for a job that I didn't really want is what did it I think. This has helped concrete my decision that I need to get an IT job - something that will keep my mind working.

I think I'll spend the rest of the day pining - that'll be constructive !

It's one of my best friend's Birthday today. I'm so glad that I made the effort to get back in touch with him via his ex-girlfriend. I got an email through from him this morning with his new phone number on it, so was able to speak to him today for the first time in nearly two years. He still remembers the old days and we can still take the piss and share our thoughts.
I was so scared that too much time had passed and too much had happened for us to still be friends. As it turns out he seems to have gone through the same sort of process as I have, having split up with his girlfriend (that he was with since school) at the tail end of last year.
Not that I'm glad, but it does make you feel a bit more normal to think that other people have been through similar things.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young.

Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

There is a dream of one day owning a club. Both of us sit behind a mirrored window smoking cigars whilst watching all the goings on.

Here's to those boat drinks my friend ...

X - "I'm sorry, I'm not going to be able to let you in this evening."
Y - "You fucking what !?"
X - "I said that I won't be able to let you in."
Y - "Why not?"
X - "Because I feel that you have already had enough to drink."
Y - "How the fuck do you know how much I can drink!?"
X - "It's not about that. I just can't let you in here tonight."
Y - "Yeah, but you're not going to able to stop me. There's two of us."

Z - "Hello boys." (He says whilst putting on his gloves)
X - "Sorry guys. Come back another night" (Whilst putting radio and counters away)

By now you want to leather this twat
And forever your gonna regret that, your choice of path
So mash his head up and your girls now fed up
But stop to think and it's never gonna be the Jackie Chan scene it could have been to end up

The Streets - Geezerz Need Excitement


red rain is coming down
red rain
red rain is pouring down
pouring down all over me

Peter Gabriel - Red Rain

It's funny how much quicker the journey home takes when it's raining.

Home sweet home ...

"Just say the word and I can drag this hoe down his back.
I can make it look like suicide."

Well I don't really care what people say
I don't really watch what dem waan do
Still I got to stick to my girls like glue
And i'm a lovely number too

Sean Paul - Like Glue

The wonders of Jedi powers.

"How bout coffee shop upstairs? 4 got the name of it! U knw the 1.", she texts.

How the fuck do I know what she's talking about ! Focus, calm, clear your mind of questions and the answer will present itself... All roads lead to Starbucks, or as Earth will soon be called PLANET STARBUCKS!

Where you are now, you can't even imagine what the bottom will be like. It's not until you lose everything that you are free to do anything.
This is your life, it doesn't get any better than this.
This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

I pray for a different life ...

Technology.
I love the way I can use my mind to get the best out of the technology around me. I am a very lazy person by nature, but expect to get a lot out of life. What better way to acheive this than by exploiting the technology around me.
For example, why walk into a library and spend time looking for the item that you want, when you can just type it into a terminal and find it in an instant? Why waste time waiting for the internet PC's in there to come back on-line whilst some numpty technician messes around, when you can walk 50 yards down the round and use the College PC's, which are faster and more reliable? The only thing that has let me down so far is that the College must have put a software bar on using the CD-ROM drives to listen to music CD's whilst working, bastards!

I like the fact that these College PC's are made by Compusys. This one is a Compusys Economist A865G. This may be of no significance to anyone else, but I remember my first IBM compatible PC. It was a Compusys 386 and had a 40MB hard drive. Fond memories of that time and the desk that my Dad built which fitted perfectly into the wall. It was covered in marbled grey matt lino and had a slot cut into it at the back to allow the continuous paper to feed up from the drawer unit underneath.

My mother still has the posture kneeler that we used to sit on as kids, only ours has a black cover.

Memories of a different time ...

Ear accupuncture is definately the way forward. Sitting in a darkened room while soothing music is playing in the background. I could have stayed there all day. I had to sit on the floor because I was scared of falling of my chair. That's how relaxed I was.
Muscle isolation exercises, lying on the floor with a soft pillow under your head, whilst deep breathing.

All in all, quite a pleasant way to spend a couple of hours on a cold Thursday afternoon in December.

Zen Do Kai

I wonder where you are now. I wonder what you are doing. I wonder who you are with. I wonder what you are thinking. I wonder what you are planning to do later this evening that you can't spend some time with me...

Why...?

...Because I'm being selfish. Looking after number one is the way forward. Take care of my own interests. I want, I want, I want. Well want doesn't always get. Patience is the key. Understanding of other peoples needs and wants. I don't expect to have to explain my every move to you, so I shouldn't expect you to have to explain yourself to me. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, I hope that it makes you happy and that you are safe.

Be good...

Focusing on one particular thing at a time takes a great deal of control for me. Take right now, for example. I am sitting in College following my course. I've only been here for half an hour and already I'm bored. I think it's regularity that bores me. I crave excitement. I hope that something will go horribly wrong at any moment so that it will brighten up my day. Maybe a masked group of terrorists will swing in through the windows on fast ropes and take us all hostage. Maybe the woman sitting next to me with the scruffy face will suddenly leap up and try and attack me. Maybe the PC I'm sitting at will spontaenously combust right in front of me and I will be blown halfway across the room. I want all the answers now. I don't want to wait and sit and learn. I want to be on top of the pile again. Being down here really sucks. Are people looking at me and laughing, or are they too busy with their lives to even notice that things have changed for me. Do I really care what other people think? Well of course I do. Is what they think more important than how I feel about myself? Absolutely not. The most important thing for me is me. So in which case, stop writing into your blog and get on with some work!

Two surprises this evening...

The first was someone who shall remain nameless arriving at my door - pleasant surprise.

The second was a certain something that shall remain nameless rearing it's ugly head again - not a total surprise, but by no means pleasant.

Still - Some men rise, some men fall.

Today, I have been mostly listening to Company Flow and Dizzie Rascal

I wonder how my little sister is doing in France ... ?

A phone call to my ex last week has brought absolutely no response whatsoever. I'm feeling pretty pissed off by this as all the "let's still be friends" bollocks from her was just that, BOLLOCKS! All I want to do is sort out our joint account so that we can finally draw a line under it all. It has been 11 months since we split up. You would think that 2 adults could communicate, if only on a basic level, to reach a mutually beneficial goal. Very frustrating...

I could moan about this some more, but I think I should get over it and get on with my study. Or, I could write some bitchy open letter to her and post it on the net, but I will just read other peoples and laugh!

There may be 17 days left until Christmas, but more importantly there are only 7 days to go until the Christmas number one single is released.

I refer, of course, to The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End).

I urge everyone in the whole world to buy this single to ensure that we don't have to listen to Pop Idol shit at number one all over again.

Please for the sake of what little sanity I have left ....

An email from me to Rob Newman

Hi Rob,

RE: Hen & Chicken Bristol Show 27th Nov 2003

Not sure if you read all your emails, but hey !

I would normally think of myself as a Rob Newman fan ontologically, but what the fuck.

Just a quick note to say how much I enjoyed your show last night in Bristol. I was the knobby heckler at the front right (from your POV) who�s Dependance Day Tour video you signed at the end.

I�ve been a big fan of yours since a friend of mine gave me a tape of one of the Mary Whitehouse shows from Radio 1, which must have been around 1987, when I was 9 or 10. I couldn�t understand half the comedy then and I�m still struggling now (Thursday night Comedy Box Paranoia!).

Thanks for making me learn big words and opening my eyes to the real side of life � oh and the odd laugh!

I find that my attitude to drugs has changed, now that I haven�t got any cash !!

Yours,

You need to hold it down Jack, put your phone back
Quit staring into space and eat your snack, thats that
She'll want you much for not hanging on
Stop me if Im wrong, stop me if Im wrong
Why should she be the one who decides whether its off or on or on or off or on
Now the girls rude, I know she's rude but she's screwed right through you, you'll be on your knees soon
Streets - Don't Mug Yourself

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Givin' up, givin' up givin' a fuck
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Givin' up, givin' up givin' a fuck
Darkness - Givin' Up

I'd tell you what I'm more interested in is T-Shirt wearings whores ! This has got to be the coolest thing I've ever seen !

It's all swings and round-a-bouts. More like Mountains and Crevaces at the moment. But one day at a time.
Today marks a full month clean of any illegal substances, which is a step in the right direction.

So you want the world to stop
Rushing to watch your spirit fully drop
From the time you were a
Psycho, groupie, cocaine, crazy
System of a Down - Psycho

It really brings the reality of the situation home when someone gives you the option to go into re-hab for 6-8, or 8-12 weeks. I suppose it would be a good thing if the timings right. As it stands at the moment I can't look that far forward. All I know is that I am looking forward to Christmas this year.

Apparently I'm a "leveller" :
You're very together. You really take life by the scruff of the neck and do what you want with it. You make and achieve your goals because you have all the bits of the lifestyle jigsaw.

I don't think I'd go as far as to say that I'm anywhere near level at the moment ! Maybe me being a leveller means that eventually i'll get my life sorted. I wonder how long it will take.
Find out what personality type you are !

I do enjoy my myself at every possible opportunity, I know that much. My job, for example - where else can I get paid to listen to R&B all night, say "NO" to people and get a head massage !? Fantastic !

time is a what-what?

I will return to this subject another day. Right now I will manage what time I have left more effectively by getting my ass up and going to work !

I wonder why I can't access this site right now : A christian review of Freddie Got Fingered. Why I would want to might be a better question !

Space and Time. Now there's a subject for discussion!

How much space does one need vs. how much space does one want. I can think of one person in particular who I need lots of space from at the moment. We will call this person A. In fact my lack of space from A is doing my head in. I'm angry because we are sharing the same space, but not necessarily always at the same time. I need my space as does A. We are both getting quite territorial at the moment. I wonder how long it will be before we start pissing on the floor! There is, however, no point in getting annoyed or frustrated by this as it will achieve nothing.

Now on to B. We do not share space very often at all. In fact we share so little space that I wonder if we ever will...

"cant explain all the feelings that you're making me feel
my heart's in over drive and you're behind the steering wheel...
...i wanna kiss you every minute every hour everyday
you got me in a spin but everything is a ok"Darkness - I believe in a thing called love

I know that I am helpless in affecting the outcome of this at the moment. I will have to be patient...

So do these two issues have something in common? Yes. Do I need more or less space? That, I have concluded, is not the issue. The issue is time.

So she was right after all. Time management is the key.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow ...

Anger Management was something that you would never catch me anywhere near 2 years ago as a certain ex-girlfriend will tell you, but since Adam Sandler got up and sang :

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty, and witty and gay !
... from West Side Story, I seem to have a slightly better perspective on going.
Anyway judging by today's adventure in therapy, I'm sure tomorrow will be just as beneficial.

dear world, this is me and the tab for a song to badly drawn boy of which Mr Douggy would like me to learn. - bearing in mind that i am a beginner at the begining of guitar! Ha HArrr we shall see what i can do on my deadly Fender (no less )guitar. im sure (no doubt) that i will succeed and triumph against all odds. i am happy.
xx me


Something to talk about

Drugs counselling is a good concept.

From what I can gather you sit in a room with some other people who are quite clearly so fucked out of their minds on crack that your issues pale into insignificance.
Then you eat another mince pie, have a glass of water and go on your merry way until the next time.

This looks like it's going to prove to be very good for me.

An open letter to Michael Jackson

Hey MJ, you bad teeth cutting out motherfucker! :

The Word Is Out
You're Doin' Wrong
Gonna Lock You Up
Before Too Long,
Your Lyin' Eyes
Gonna Take You Right
So Listen Up
Don't Make A Fight,
Your Talk Is Cheap
You're Not A Man
You're Throwin' Stones
To Hide Your Hands
Lyrics

"Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life." Oscar Wilde

"Michael Jackson, the man who thought that Boyz 2 Men was the name of a home delivery service" Rob Newman

I hope it's not true Michael. If it's not then they should all just leave you alone.

Come up and see me (make me smile)

Why does my arm
hurt so much ?

Why does my heart
Feel so bad?
Why does my soul
Feel so bad?

You got a lot to answer for Moby.

A friend in needs a friend indeed,
A friend with weed is better,
A friend with breasts and all the rest,
A friend who's dressed in leather.

Describes very well how I'm feeling this pure morning...

Woke up next to a beautiful friend, made her a cup of tea whilst watching the first hour of Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket :

"I'm gunnary sargeant Hartmann, your senior drill instructor... Because I am hard you will not like me but the more you hate me, the more you will learn... Do you maggots understand me !?"

Breakfast at McDonald's then didn't travel all the way home just to edit my CV and send it. Relied on the wonderful combination of technology and friendship to cheer me up and get my file all in one go.

Just completed the first two out of eight sections of my Database course.

And the beat goes on ...

So, about ready to spend another evening in being cool.

Not a bad day. The question for me is, do I sell out and go for the �20K a year management position just to earn the money and take the chance of ending up in the same position all over again, or do I stick to my goal and go for a chance of �15K as an IT support technician. Decisions, decisions.

My approach to making this decision will be to not make a decision either way! Fate will dictate which one I end up with. I'll try just as hard for both of them ... to be continued.

Learn Direct seems to be working out just right for this free, warm and easy internet access ! Who said students were bludging lay-abouts ?

As the day goes on, fate deals me a mediocre hand. Tired from lack of sleep and bored of looking at a computer screen to cheer myself up I decide to have a bit of a rest as Jim would say.

Just as my eyes are closing the helpful man from Telewest knocks on the door and attempts to improve my broadband connection - a visit that I had forgotten all about.

Just as he finishes the bank manager rings and sounds slightly better than he did on Thursday when he realised I hadn't paid any money into my old joint account - oops!

Well at least I didn't drift off to sleep and waste half the day ...

The ex still needs to phone back about getting the account transferred out of her name. Still the longer she leaves it, the worse her credit rating is going to be!

3rd time lucky today at the doc's ? Ready for my first session tomorrow ? Still wondering about all sorts, definately!

The mind is a very strange thing indeed. Just when you think it's all going your way, it sneeks up on you from behind and bats you over the head.

Take last night for example. I spent the evening relaxing at a friend's house, having stir fry, listening to Women In Docs, Pearl Jam and chatting about life, love, Australia and The Bullring.

Now when it comes to bed time I'm thinking "this is cool, I get to cuddle down next to a lovely young lady". Half an hour goes by and I'm drifting off.

My dream ...

I'm remembering my day from Sunday. I'm laughing and joking with my cousins, aunts, Dad, Mum2. Pull my finger will never stop being funny no matter how old you get! I'm reliving the journey home and the nice brunette on the train that asked to read my paper between Bath and Bristol. It's all Gravy until ... I'm walking through the train station and a crack-head comes running at me and pickpockets my wallet. "Fuck off!" I shout, as I wake up.

They say that tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Well I had that exact thought yesterday so today had a lot to live up to!

Let's see then. My day so far ...

I woke up late
I didn't get the job I really really wanted
I've been cycling around in the rain all day
Late for the doctor's again, so got to go back tomorrow
I'm freezing cold sitting typing this
I can't afford the �1 to pay the library for my new library card


On the positive side though (focus !) ...

A certain young lady invited me to her house for dinner and a video
Got my NUS card (cheap stuff, yippee)
Enrolled on a new course at college so I get free use of the computers until my "real" course starts in February
Got a text back from Auntie Travelling Sister - alive and well (well drunk probably!)
Got a new library card so can get free computer use (recurring theme ?)
Got some study done
Downloaded the lyrics to Mr. Soft by Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel
Figured out how to log back into Blogger

On the whole, getting there ...

"Be good to yourselves and each other" Jerry Springer